Snotatoullie enters Spoof City
by Lavenderpaw
Summary: The rats where it's at! :D
1. Day one of fun

**I.**

I'm a rat. My name is Remy… I think I want to be a chef, but how can I when all that I am is a smelly old rat? So one day I get into an argument with my father over it - my dad being the lead rat and me being infinitely more superior when it comes to intellect - he's all: Remy, don't go near humans. Don't go near restaurants and don't endanger your life.

Wow. I guess he says things like this to keep me safe and alive.

But do I listen?

HAHAHAHAHA! No. I'm too hip and mentally stable to take my old man's advice.

So I journey with my brother Emile (I like that name, it's like a male version of Emily in French) down to the main part of the house where this old lady is watching her flicks and getting her fix. She's too concentrated to notice us; again, I is smart, I ignore the obvious danger that I'm getting not only myself but my own brother into and start using my little grubby hands to pick up food while thinking that only one drop of water cuts the cheese.

"Rats, OMIGOD!"

"Remy, what the hell!" Emile snaps at me and waddles his overweight butt away.

Anton Ego's mother then grabs a gun and proceeds to shooting the living tar out of us. I don't understand this! My superior mind should have been enough to cloak us - like in that one wizard movie! But I haven't the time to think about this as my father curses me out. However, I am too busy saving a cook book to pay any mind to him. Because, as we all know, pipedreams and half-baked ambitions are far more important then family and friends who would probably do whatever it took to save us; so I return for that blessed book. As it turns out my genius separates me from the only living, breathing creatures who ever showed me kindness and I end up in Paris. Yep, it's inexplicable but it's true.

So I start checkin' out my new digs.

By the way, my hero chef Big-Gustso died and I'm not entirely happy about it.

So isn't it something when my worldly experience - and don't I have a ton of it from my time-consuming, TV-watching escapades - when I miraculously end up right on the front step of my now-deceased idol's restaurant. I am, of course, going to be a master chef but have no prior experience and certainly no recommendations from any culinary school of any sort. So, yeah, here I am and let my road to super-star-stardom begin. I is awesome-s!

To be continued…


	2. Nosezilla tis da garbage boy

**I.**

"You're pretty…" Lingeeky mentioned to Colette.

"What of it?" She asked in her insufferable, completely forced French accent.

"You've got a big nose." the obviously gay thirty-something, American-sounding man told her. "Wee. You've got a big nose." He poked at it continuously. "Pokey, pokey…"

"… pokey pokey pokey pokey pokey pokey pokey pokey pokey pokey pokey pokey…"

Colette snapped his finger in two.

****

OoO

Outside on a large roof of windows…

"Ninety-nine bottles of wine on the wall. Hic!" Remi sang nonsensically, waving a small cap full of cherry-flavored alcohol in the air. "Ninety-nine bottles of wine; _hic_! You take a grape down, pass it around," he started slipping sideways. "ninety-nine bottles of wine

Straight from the crappin' vine!" Remi fell through a half-opened window panel.

Lingeeky caught sight of the rat slipping into a large cooking pot of soup and plunged his still fully-sleeved arm into the boiling liquid to fish him out. Then being the total genius that he never was, he slipped a sly look from side-to-side and stuck the rat into his pants.

When Colette saw him she looked down and turned wide-eyed as a wet spot appeared in a very good place just below his waist. The man poked at his big nose and bolted out of the door. Outside at night the rats eye's opened and he thought he saw his deceased idol.

"Big-gusto?" Remi slurred.

"No," Lingeeky placed his finger to the rat's stomach and pushed down on it. "It's me."

"Me who?" Soup shot up, clearing his airways.

"Your savior…"

"What's your name?" A dreamy quality entered Remi's brown eyes.

"Nose-zilla."

This only increased the drunken stupor the would-be-rat-chef was experiencing.

"You're my savior?"

"Wee. Wee." the man with the big nose said as he turned to the waterway and aimed up.

"What'cha doin'?" Remi asked stupidly.

"Weein'."

"Wicked."

To be continued…


	3. Baby I like it!

****

I.

"So this is my apartment," Lingeeky announced as he jumped through the little door and did a twirl on his heel, "It's kind of crowded, so make sure you don't-AH!" he slipped on something and tumbled forward into a bunch of pots and pans; that's when Remi jumped forward; recovered enough from his alcohol; and grabbed his savior's shoe laces in paw.

"Look out!" the rat hollered and yanked back on them.

Immediately Lingeeky ceased his fall and was surprised to learn that his new friend could control his feet when he pulled up just right on his shoe laces. Before anyone who barely even cared could care, Remi was controlling Lingeeky's movements by making him high step around the apartment. They practiced for a while in a marching pose before Remi and he finally got a brilliant idea; instead of being a chef they could go into musical theater to entertain guests while they ate. The two numbskulls looked at each other with huge grins.

"We're gonna be famous!" They announced in unison.

With that being said, Remi and Lingeeky practiced all night.

****

OoO

"Where the hell is Remi!.?" Remi's father asked grouchily.

"Uh, I don't know." Emile said, twiddling his thumbs. "I thought he drowned like a rat."

"Liar!" the big rodent tackled his fat son down and started wailing on him. "REMI!.?"

****

OoO

(The two practice their routine in matching band outfits to the song 'Baby way I like it' )

"Baby I like it,

The way you move on the floor," Remi shouted while twirling a mini baton.

"Baby, I like it! Come on and,"

Lingeeky touched his big nose to Remi's pink one, smiling, "Give me some more."

Then, marching in place, they sang out loud: "SCREAMIN' LIKE NEVER BEFORE!"

"Baby, WE LIKE IT! Oh hell, WE LIKE IT!"

Then the two started singing in Spanish-sounding gibberish.

"Holy high waters!" Colette burst through the front door. "What are you two doing!.? Toi est dumb! Deux tours stupid! Tres faggotry!" she kept yammering as they kept marching.

To be continued…


	4. Living the author's dream

********

********

I.

During the sequence where Lingeeky and Colette are about to kiss…

"Holy mouse hole!" Remi stalks before the author. "How _dare _you skip ahead like this?"

"Uh, yeah rat boy. Whose the author here?"

"Author!.? You stole this from an original movie!"

"Sure, watch this!"

OoO

Remi steered his newfound friend so that his big nose went directly into Colette's mouth.

(Remi: What!.? Author: Stay with me now…)

The equally big-nosed woman with the queasy and grating faux-French accent swallowed his snorter whole. Once she got a good taste of his boogers, Colette allowed LinFreaky to suck on her nose for a while. Remi watched with a satisfied look, obviously very pleased.

( Remi: Whoa, whoa, whoa, that did _not _happen! Author: Well, it's better then the film's disgusting kiss between Snooty and the Schnoz . The rat ponders this a moment: Go on.)

Colette sighed dramatically. "Isn't it wonderful that at the very beginning of this movie I hated your guts and was actually holding you down with an array of kitchen knives but in the next twenty minutes started to like you and here we are now and for some insane and totally unrealistic reason I actually enjoyed your kiss and-," she gasped loudly. "Linnie."

"Yes, poopsy?" He took her hand and smeared his snot on it in a sign of affection.

"Will you let me help choreograph your moves?"

"Well, see me and Remi were kind of-,"

"_Let _me help you or I reveal the rat!" Colette shrieked and stuck her nose in his face.

"Whatever you say, dumpling." Lingeeky cowered before her.

Remi, passed out from consuming too much from his miniature flask, fell over sideways.

Lingeeky collected his toque and - for reasons still unknown to logic and understanding - caught a ride home on Colette's kick-butt motorcycle. This left Remi alone… and drunk.

(Remi: Oh yeah… I remember that. Seriously, I made that loser what he was in the movie and _that's _the thanks I get. If only I'd been taller and human, I would have taken a stand.)

(Author: For real! What's up with your ugly boy counterpart getting the girl?)

(Remi: The geek gets the girl, what can I say? What Linguini lacks in any sufficient hand - and - eye coordination and competent willpower he makes up for in being a good puppet.)

(Author: -_-)

To be continued…


End file.
